"I've received a very strange letter," said the Bishop. "Here, Rupert, you'd better take a look."
Colonel Rupert Lethbridge-Stewart, better known as "Big X" of the Ecclesiastial Intelligence Service, made a show of reading the strange missive. He had long deemed it part of his internal intelligence duties to have all the Bishop's correspondence steamed open and re-sealed before delivery, and was already familiar with its contents.
"Strange indeed," he said. There was no need for the Bishop to know. "Big X" read aloud:
FROM The Editor, Private
Parts Magazine, A
Secret Location, Somewhere
in London
Your Grace,
I know that you must be aware of
our monthly investigative journal, as the ‘Church Times’ has, in the past,
described us as ‘crude, lewd, and very rude’, while the Government’s Chief Censor, Sir Attila Smashem, has called us ‘a
filthy unpatriotic subversive little rag’. I am pleased to acknowledge both
descriptions as accurate.
The reason for my letter is to
pass on to you an advance copy of an article which, subject to our secret printing press not being found
by H.M.Government in the interim, will appear shortly in our magazine. I think you will find
it interesting.
Yours faithfully,
William Tell (Editor)
MAJOR STRAITT-JACKETT – THE SECRET
THE GOVERNMENT DOESN’T WANT YOU
TO KNOW !!
Our undercover reporter, the
intrepid Ivor Bignose, has recently uncovered startling news of the possible
fate of Major Miles Straitt-Jackett, the noted Royalist commander recently reported
killed at the Battle of Wigmore Hall. Readers may recall that
the Major was said to have been ‘blown to pieces’ by a stray artillery shell, and
was not seen after the battle ended, though an ambulance was seen leaving the
area at high speed with a military escort. Here is Ivor’s report –
"Initially I watched the Special
Hospital for Investigating Trauma at Woolwich for several days, managing to take a couple of poor-quality photographs
of a mysterious individual, but was totally unsuccessful in trying to gain
access to this high-security unit.
I then made my way to a nearby public house, "The Hand and Eye", which is a popular haunt of hospital staff. Masquerading as a wounded ex-serviceman selling matches, I struck up a conversation with a hospital porter, whom I shall refer to as "Igor". After numerous pints of "Old Dropsy", the man gradually became a little more talkative. Steering the conversation around to Major Straitt-Jackett, I showed him the photographs and asked if it was indeed the well known Government commander. Igor's reply was "mothly". When I asked him what he meant, he tapped the side of his nose in a knowing manner and said "We hath the technology, we can webuilth him", and cackled loudly.
I asked how this was possible and
‘Igor’ belched loudly, and said ‘depenths
how many bithts you’ve got’. Then he continued ‘Old Dr. Frank Enthstein wath
lucky that lightning thtruck the hothpital generator when it did, all that
exthra power’. By now ‘Igor’ was starting to ramble as the eight pints of ‘Old Dropsy’ started to
take effect, and he digressed into ‘that
power cut buggered up the wadio weport
of the England game though, jutht ath we got the equalither against thoth
Fwoggie bathdards’. At that point ‘Igor’’s eyes closed and his head drooped
forward into his ninth pint of beer.
Just then the door burst open and
a squad of BUF goons stormed in. After a nod from a man standing at
the bar – a fascist spy no doubt – they strode up to me and hauled me roughly
outside. It seems suspicion had been aroused by a match-seller’s ability to buy so many pints of ‘Old Dropsy’. Luckily, I just had time to hide the photographs
where they could not be found without rubber gloves. When I awoke in a nearby
alley some hours later I was thankful to find myself almost unharmed, apart
from the two broken fingers, a fractured wrist, four cracked ribs, a black eye and
three missing teeth.
Clearly H.M.Government have
something to hide at this establishment. Can it really be that Major
Straitt-Jackett is alive, or has been revived or even reconstituted somehow ?
Only time will tell !"
"Big X" dropped the letter back onto the Bishop's mahogany desk. "That young reporter is very lucky still to be alive, I'd say. To my knowledge, the first photographs from the Special Hospital. The best we've been able to do is some detailed pencil sketches of their type of treatment...."
"....which, I have to say, has a very poor track record. Your Grace, I'd recommend that we keep a close watch on the Special Hospital for the Investigation of Trauma at Woolwich, and await developments...."
with thanks to Alan for the letter and article. All of Ludlow eagerly await developments in the strange case of Major Straitt-Jackett (Deceased?).
