Big Game April 2016 - Colonel Mustard's Memoirs

JC has unveiled the scenario for the Spring 2016 Big Game in the Hereford VBCW - see his blog here. The late Colonel Mustard's memoirs must be found....

By good fortune (Praise the Lord!), the latest recruits to the Ludlow Expeditionary Force are highly experienced in just this kind of police work (and crowd control) - the Chicago Police (Citizens Relations) Demonstration Squad !

Elements of the Chicago Police (Citizens Relations) Demonstration Squad.
Commissioner Gordon and Lieutenant Kojak are absent,
conferring with the Bishop's Staff Captains.

Regular listeners to the Bishops Broadcasting Service will recall that the Squad provided security for the recent shipment of Packard Town Vans from Detroit to Ludlow (see older posts). As the guests of the Bishop, the Squad have also taken pleasure in demonstrating to Ludlow's loyal citizenry their advanced weaponry - Colt .45 pistols, Remington pump action shotguns, and - to gasps of astonishment - the Gun that Bandits Fear Most !

Captain Arrowsmith ("dat doity rat" according to Lieutenant Kojak)  is overdue
 a meeting with Mr Thompson 's Anti Bandit Gun.

Feature - Of Matters Behemothic (2)

"May I ask" said the Bishop, at the forefront of a gaggle of Staff Captains and French experts, "just how this great beast was constructed ?"

"Weeel...." Engineer Scott pondered, then started jabbing his forefinger. "The Frenchies here, the experts from SOMUA, it was their design, fair enough. But it wasn't big enough, y'ken ? So we made it bigger, big enough for the heavy cannon, two machine guns, and the crew to keep them all firing continuously...."

"It certainly is a monster" said the Bishop. "Arrowsmith will be quaking in his highly polished jackboots."

"And then we added a supercharged Austin engine...."

"Enough power, I suppose, to dash faster than Jesse Owens ?"

"Och, no wonder. Then Steve, our welder, added all the super heavy armour, and Bob's your uncle, Bishop."

"The Austin - Steve Somua, then? Or the Steve - Austin Somua?" the Bishop spun a coin . "I believe Messrs. Royce and Rolls rather fell out in similar circumstances...."

"Tails it is, mon." Chief Engineer Scott clapped. "An' there's nae chance Storm Leader Giles will call this one a 'tankette'..."

The Steve Austin Somua ($1M) at the Bishop's Industrial Park and Experimental Proving Grounds, Ludlow.

Feature - "Crusader" Class Personnel Carriers

The Loyal Ludlow Infantry have fought with distinction in all the most recent engagements of the Civil War in Herefordshire. Traditionally conveyed to battle in repainted "Evian" trucks (a commercial sponsorship arising from the Rev. Duff - Postin's internationally renowned abstinence from alcohol) their courage and tenacity has now been recognised by another international combine - the Packard Motor Car Company of Detroit, Michigan. A number of Packard Town Vans (guarded on their voyage from America by the Chicago Police "Citizens Relations" Demonstration Squad) have now completed their conversion, within the closely guarded confines of the Bishop's Industrial Park and Experimental Proving Grounds, to "Crusader" class Personnel Carriers, as today displayed in the grounds of Ludlow Castle.

The Bishop and Chancellor of Ludlow inspect the very first "Crusader" Personnel Carriers. 

Especially adapted, with their front firing Light Machine Gun (or Anti Tank Rifle), for the new "shoot and scoot" tactics being worked up on the Bishop's Training Grounds, the technical specification of these advanced Personnel Carriers remains shrouded in secrecy. For example, are they armoured or unarmoured? Or fuel injected and turbo-charged? Can they really be - as rumoured - "faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive"?

All enquiries have been directed to Staff Captain Maskelyne, who will only confirm that each "Crusader" is designed to hold a full section of Loyal Ludlow infantry, complete with Light Machine Gun (or Anti Tank Rifle).

A Pathe News newsreel crew capture the historic moment in the grounds of Ludlow Castle

Special - Command Decision

With the campaigning season about to start, the Bishop of Ludlow has announced a reconstitution of his Battle Headquarters, reports the Ludlow Leader. The accession - some months ago, now - of the Bishop's Military Secretary, the Rev Duff-Postin, to the position of Chancellor of All-Ludlow (by the universal acclamation of both the Town and Ecclesiastical Councils) left a vacancy for the position of Bearer of the Great Standard. The despatch - around the same time - of the Rev. Stoker, Chief Exorcist to the Bishop and Battle NCO to Commandant Lasalle, on a goodwill tour to the French Central African Protectorate Independent Republic of Jojoba (President for Life, Chief Whoaroo) left another HQ position unfilled. It is thought that, after his stop off in Africa, the Rev. Stoker will head on to Ruritania and Transylvania (in search of Arrowsmith's rumoured new recruiting grounds) while the new Chancellor has already been despatched on a secret diplomatic mission of his own, apparently "much closer to home"...

The Bishop and his new Battle HQ in the grounds of Ludlow Castle

The announced changes reflect the growing importance within Ludlow of a new religious organisation, THe Order (of the Bishop) of Hereford Martyred And Sanctified, or the "Order of THOMAS" for short. Doubting - well, it could hardly be otherwise - the official reports to the effect that the kidnapped Bishop of Hereford is still alive and well, the Order maintains a different truth - that "their Bishop" has been assassinated by his captors, and - directed as they are by the former Dean and Chapter of Hereford Cathedral, who fled to the sanctuary of Ludlow upon the fall of Hereford and capture of the Bishop - have vowed revenge. The interests of such a powerful - not to say, fanatical - political force in Ludlow needed to be assuaged.

The Bishop, accompanied by Commandant Lasalle, explains the command changes to an eager press

"It is a great pleasure" the Bishop told a hastily assembled press conference, "to announce the appointment of Brother Oswin as the Bearer of the Great Standard of Ludlow. And Brother Cadfael - with his well known 'Cup of Healing Herbs" - as Medic to the Expeditionary Force. I know that Abbot Ambrose, leader of the Order of THOMAS, is equally pleased by the recognition thereby conferred upon his noble Order. We must pray for all of our Headquarters Staff in the battles to come...."

Feature - Of Matters Behemothic (1)

The Reverend Duff-Postin, Military Secretary to the Bishop, cooly surveyed the collection of experts ranged around the table. The Armaments Sub-Committee was assembling for another long session. Immediately to his right, his dour but ever efficient Assistant Military Secretary, the Reverend Alan Brooke. Beyond him Mr Dibnah, of the Dibnah School of Advanced Steam and Steel Studies, being distracted by the constant card shuffling of his own neighbour, Staff Captain Maskaleyne, principal of the Maskaleyne College of Camouflage and Martial Illusion. Immediately to his left, Professor Lindemann, of the world famous Lindemann Institute, ignoring such trivialities to speed-read yet more advanced scientific papers, passing them backwards and alternately to his own assistants, Mr Wallis and Doc Van der Graaf of the Bluecoat School Physics Department. Chief Engineer Scott of the Ludlow Sappers & Miners (on secondment from the Ludlow Scottish) growled and stared impatiently out of a taped up window. Here, in a cramped Nissen hut at the centre of the Ludlow Industrial Park and Experimental Proving Grounds, the Bishop's armaments experts mingled with new technical staff sent from France as part of their generous "Lend Lease to Ludlow" programme.

That fact was, as Duff-Postin was the first to acknowledge, that the catastrophic loss of Lt. "Cadgze" Pidgeon and his Renault R-35 tank in the closing stages of the Battle of Bredwardine Fords had hit them all hard. The R-35 had stood up to everything Arrowsmith's multi - turreted Behemoth could throw at it, only to be felled by a late and unsporting flank shot from Storm Leader Giles' underpowered Vickers Medium Mk.2.(note 1). Muttering darkly at the unfairness of it all, the horde of technical experts from Renault had hastily returned to Paris, being replaced with even more numerous group of experts from the up-coming French subsidiary of Schneider et Cie., the Societe d'Outilage Mecanique et d'Usinage d'Artillerie ("SOMUA").

The remains of the Anglican R-35 after the Battle of Bredwardine Fords.
If Renault's experts could not do better than this, they knew that
their future lay only in manufacturing "family cars".

Duff-Postin called the meeting to order. It was time to look to the future, to tank improvement and reconstruction. He cleared his throat.

"Gentlemen, we can rebuild it."

Nods of agreement from the experts of SOMUA.

"Better."

"Mellieur! Le mieux !"

"Stronger."

"Le plus fort."

"And this time, perhaps, camouflaged?" Staff Captain Maskaleyne arched an eyebrow, having complained of the drab green monotone of the destroyed R-35. In the rush to see the tank into service, his wishes had been overruled. He cut his constantly shuffling pack to reveal yet another Ace of Hearts.(note 2)

"Faster."

"Mais oui!"

"Heavier."

"Le plus lourd...."

"...An' wi' a bluidy big cannon and nae one, but two, heavy machine guns,  mind..." interjected Chief Engineer Scott.

"Thank you, Scotty." Postin smiled as the French interpreter struggled to translate.

"Gentlemen, it may be said again in the future, but the time is now. We have the technology. We have the capability. And, by the Grace of God,  we will rebuild our Anglican armour."

The assembled experts bent forward over the Bishop's technical specifications, and fell into lengthy discussion...

Notes

(1). See the Big Game Report of the Battle of Bredwardine Fords, below.

(2). Staff Captain Maskaleyne, as the country's foremost stage illusionist, is renowned for his ability to shuffle and cut cards. Yet lately, all that he has been able to produce at "the reveal" is the Ace of Hearts. What can this mean?

Breaking News - Wings over Hereford

A mixed squadron of Handley Page Heyfords, Herefords and Hampdens (which ‘ardly hever ‘appens, according to Leading Aircraftsman Doolittle) today carried out an experimental aerial reconnaissance over the occupied Cathedral City itself, reports the “Ludlow Leader”. Taking off at dawn from their secret landing strip in Shropshire (with the kind co-operation of the Shropshire Free State) and led in person by the famed Wing Commander Daring, the Independent Air Force squadron encountered no opposition as it undertook extensive reconnaissance and photography duties.

Wing Commander Douglas "Dauntless" Daring

The Fascist Anti-Aircraft defences were either in a poor state of repair, or Captain Macaroni and his Fiat CR32 were having an off day [note 1]. All our aircraft returned safely. “I counted them all out, and I counted them all back in.” boasted Leading Aircraftsman Doolittle.

Handley Page Herefords and Hampdens swoop low over unseasonal Herefordshire haymakers
 Local farmers blame Captain Arrowsmith for "climate change" (amongst many other things),
or point to the ungodly kidnap and continued detention of "their Bishop" as the reason
 for their poor harvest and the accompanying rise of "Mommetry".

The opportunity was taken to deliver thousands of information pamphlets (courtesy of Staff Captain Gallup) to the good citizenry of the Herefordshire capital - reminding all of Captain Arrowsmith’s alien choice of allies, murderous aversion to British dogs, and bad habit of parking his Behemoth on the double yellow lines in High Town.

Information Leaflets being delivered over  occupied Hereford. The parched nature of the countryside is evident.

An aerial photograph of All Saints Church, High Town. Arrowsmith's Behemoth
has either been towed away by Hereford's Traffic Wardens (an onerous endeavour)
or has been carefully camouflaged.

“It was just a little jaunt.” murmured Group Captain Daring, in the self - deprecating manner that the bar staff of “The Feathers” Hotel have grown accustomed to over these last few weeks. “A piece of cake, really. Some loops around the Cathedral tower, a barrel roll over the BUF Barracks in Whitecross Street, a full squadron 'V for Victory' formation over the White House and Market Square, and then back home in time for pink gins and popsies.” 

Leading the "V for Victory" formation over Hereford, Group Captain Daring gives
local residents a re-assuring wave. Their liberation is coming!

WW1 veteran Daring confirmed that the Ecclesiastical Intelligence Service had taken delivery of the reconnaissance photographs, which will no doubt be subjected to the most detailed analysis. Whatever the Anglican High Command may choose to do in the future as a result of this information, Ludlow - and Hereford itself - will always remember "The Daring Raid" [note 2].

Notes:

(1). For the previous activities of Captain Macaroni and his Fiat CR32, see the Big Game Report on the Battle of Eardisley below (September 2014 Big Game).

(2). With due respect to the Leading Aircraftsman in need of elocution lessons, it could hardly be known as "The Doolittle Raid". Apparently, that is half a world away and some time in the future....

Special - MAJOR Straitt-Jackett

It may be another coup for the Bishop's famed Ecclesiastical Intelligence Service. Or it may simply be that the Rev Duff-Postin consulted "Who's Who" in the Bishop's study. However the information has been obtained, we can now confirm [with thanks to Alan and Rita] the true biography of the new "Royalist" leader at the Battle of Bredwardine Fords, masquerading throughout the day of battle as a mere "Captain".

"Miles Straitt-Jackett :
Born 1879, only son of Lieutenant-Colonel Edward 'Loopy' Straitt-Jackett and the Hon. Felicia Straitt-Jackett (nee Warming-Knightley). Educated at Mr. Thrashem's Academy for Young Gentlemen. Joined Army 1897. Served in Sudan, Gold Coast, Basutoland, Matabeleland.

Despite never hearing a shot fired in anger Major Straitt-Jackett served with distinction during World War 1, commanding 13th (Colonial) Field Kitchen Unit stationed in Bulawayo.  He was present at the Tsetse Valley Incident when a crowd of rioting Native miners were subdued by volleys of plum duff hurled by his cooks, for which action he was awarded The Order of the Yellow Buffalo (2nd Class).

A good friend of the renowned Major Denis Bloodknock, Major Straitt-Jackett joined the B.U.F. in 1935, in the mistaken belief it was a book club.

Interests : Cricket, Lepidoptery, Taphophilia. He also has a large collection of cheese labels." 

The investigative journalists of the "Ludlow Leader" are hot on the trail of Major Straitt-Jackett. Why did he pretend to be "Royalist" during the recent engagement, when he had in fact joined the B.U.F. as far back as 1935? Why did he not reveal his true rank to Captain Arrowsmith, and thereby take command of the battle of the Fords? Do these now revealed deceptions indicate that Major Straitt-Jackett was playing a "greater game", and was indeed the Anglican agent within the BUF "Robin's Nest" bunker? [see Note (3) to the Battle of Bredwardine Fords broadcast, below] 

Or can it be that Major Straitt-Jackett is the leader of Moseley's well-known "secret consumer initiative", designed to check upon the competence and probity of Fascists throughout the land? Can Arrowsmith survive such an investigation, or does he face disgrace? And given Major Straitt-Jackett's expressed interest in taphophilia, is disgrace even the worst that Arrowsmith can now expect? 

The "Ludlow Leader" will no doubt reveal all in due course....