AUTUMN BIG GAME 2018 - THE TRUE STORY (PART THREE)

"The Climax of the Battle" As the Anglican Tank Brigade debouch from Sir Gilbert's completed pontoon
bridge, Lt. Everard concentrates his forces to meet the threat. Naval crewed Tank Destroyers
 (a reinforcement) hurry into action, only for one of them to be "brewed up" immediately. The BUF's
Heavy Artillery ("The Dominator") roars its continued defiance, as Lt Everard swings his left flank
tanks towards the west and the advancing Anglican armour.

"The Ace of Spades" A close up shot of the same incident. The Anglican armour leaves its "Death Card"
(the Ace of Spades) as one of HMG's Naval Tank Destroyers blows up spectacularly. (GRRRR...who
left those activation cards on the table!)

"Pastor Head's Assault" With the BUF armour diverted towards the centre of the battlefield, Pastor Head's
forces launch their long delayed infantry assault on the eastern flank. A decimated Wulfhere Section, BUF,
 contest the fenceline : in the nick of time, the Wormelow Wildcats (a reinforcement) arrive in support.

"The Golden Valley Womens Institute" The Anglicans advance all along the line. Here Sir Gilbert's last reserve,
the Women's Institute, charge into the fray in the centre. Behind them, in a fine example of inter allied
co-operation, Ludlow tanks debouch from Sir Gilbert's pontoon bridge. To the left, it appears that
the Anglican artillery are now firing non explosive tape measures (GRRRR!)

"Down, Rover!" The Women's Institute are met by a charge of ravenous, mouth foaming BUF attack dogs,
 and recoil. Support for the RSPCA will be first item on the agenda of their next meeting in Pontrilas. 

"The Centre cannot Hold?"  HMG extracts revenge for its lost Tank Destroyer, "brewing up" an Anglican
tank in return (left). Sir Gilbert's Steam Tank ploughs on, supported by two Ludlow tanks. On the right,
an Anglican Vickers Mk.VI embarks on a "general swan about" the battlefield, ready to threaten
the remaining HMG infantry. Lt Everard's valiant efforts can surely only delay the inevitable...

AUTUMN BIG GAME 2018 - THE TRUE STORY! (PART TWO)

"A Flank Attack in Preparation". 3rd Section, Loyal Ludlow Infantry, have worked their way around Stokkies'
flank. 2nd Section (with Standard) take advantage of a continuing smoke barrage. 1st Section advances from
the now complete Pontoon Bridge. Where are Stokkies reinforcements?

"The Courageous Self Sacrifice of the Invincibles". Sir Gilbert's men (and women) advance on a very broad front,
drawing fire from both Stokkies troops and those of Lt. Everard. It was the Invincibles' willingness to take
 huge casualties that enabled the Allied victory.

"Technical difficulties" On the right flank, spooked not by fire but by a sudden storm
 of thunder and lightning (chance card event), Pastor Head's engineers are too jumpy to finish
 building their Pontoon Bridge. A Ludlow tank waits in vain.
 It could only be the VBCW.

"The Tank Brigade will Advance!" Sir Gilbert's engineers complete the central Pontoon
Bridge, and Pastor Head diverts the Anglican Tank Brigade across it. For HMG, matters
are now looking blacker than a BUF uniform (at midnight).

TO BE CONTINUED......

AUTUMN BIG GAME 2018 - THE TRUE STORY! (PART ONE)

"And so, Commandant Joubert, we meet at last."

The Bishop of Ludlow stared at his bruised and manacled prisoner, surrounded by the triumphant veterans of the 1st Infantry Section, Loyal Ludlow Legion. It was late on the afternoon of the Battle of Winforton Pontoons, and all the reports spoke of a famous victory for the allied forces of the Anglican League and Sir Gilbert Hill's Golden Valley Invincibles.

"Joubert. Stokkies. I don't have a number. I'm not a regular. I fight for my King as a loyal volunteer." The captured commander of the famous "King's Colonials" stared back at the Bishop, uncowed. "And you'll get no more information out of me, dwankie. Geneva Convention."

"Dear, dear. 'My Lord Bishop' is more - ahem - conventional, dear chap." The Bishop of Ludlow smiled thinly. "You ought to know that I served in South Africa for a time. Enough time to pick up a smattering of Afrikaans slang [note 1]. And as for the Geneva Convention, I rather think it has no application to a civil war. At least, that's what I understand your Mr Mosley to have claimed."

"The Prime Minister....."

"An office to which he has no entitlement. Just plain Mr Mosley, if you please."

"Fok weet, Bishop. I'm a colonial. Ein Jan Allerman. You'll get nothing more out of me."

"I rather think we will, Commandant." A severe, straight backed figure materialised at the Bishop's shoulder. It was none other than "Big X", Chief of the Ecclesiastical Intelligence Service. "Not that we particularly need to, of course."

"Ah, Lethbridge-Stewart. I see you have one of your manilla folders on this ruffian." Still slightly unsettled by the Colonel's habit of appearing silently and without warning, the Bishop sniffed and nodded in approval. 

"Joubert, Stokkies." The Colonel began reading. "Great - nephew of Piet Joubert, late of Cape Colony...."

"The South African Republic, krimpie. Ne?"

"...and necessarily, therefore, a relation of Fritz Joubert Duquesne. We have rather a thick file on him, of course. Not that you've met for a while. Not since New York, I believe." The Colonel cleared his throat, flicking through the file. "Stokkies.....war service...volunteering slightly under age, I think....German South-West Africa, East Africa, junior ADC to Smuts....some special service for a period...1919 intervention, Murmansk....demobilisation....diamond mining...gold panning....great white hunter in Kenya, then gun running to South America....whisky smuggling into the States from 1928 or so....the Twenty-First Amendment must have been so disappointing for you, Commandant...back to South Africa....heavy drinking...the women (see additional filing cabinets, as indexed A-Z, cross-referenced geographically, ethnically and chronologically)....do I need to go on?"

"Fokkoff, moffie." The manacled Commandant bristled.

"Now, now, Commandant." The Bishop of Ludlow intervened. "The good Colonel is simply demonstrating that we already know all about you. It's just that he believes you privy to all of Lord de Braose's most secret plans, and we'd rather like to hear about them, don't you know? Not that we have anything like an Inquisition in Ludlow, you understand. None of that foreign stuff. No Iron Maidens, racks, red-hot pokers; no, I do believe that the Colonel's methods of extracting information are rather more subtle..."

"Joubert, Stokkies. No number. No more information."

"Of course it pains me, Commandant. But you may think differently after a few days of compulsory crocheting".

"Nee!" The stubborn Joubert staggered backward in shock.

"Just the threat of solitary confinement and enforced embroidery...."

"Nee!" Joubert had involuntarily collapsed to his knees, a bear of a man at bay.

"Jam-making? The full course of 26 lessons, all the while on a strict prison diet of nothing but ginger beer and iced fruit cakes? No braii for you, ever again....."

Joubert sagged lower, as if physically winded. Colonel Lethbridge Stewart took up the Bishop's theme enthusiastically.

"Four church services a day. Marched backwards and forwards to service and then your cell, deep beneath Ludlow Castle. Hymns, prayers, sermons, choir practice, silent personal contemplation, 'Signs of the Peace'...."

"Sies!"

"....and if you should somehow still resist, Commandant, the genteel horror that is Mandatory Morris Dancing. I'm told the local Morris troupes are always looking for new members, and are really rather dedicated..."

A sudden howl of utter despair, as Joubert contemplated his awful future as an unwilling be-belled participant in "(Very) Strictly Come Dancing - the Folk Edition", and with the interview over, the veterans of the Loyal Ludlow Legion dragged him from the Bishop's presence.

How had it come to this ?

The "Hurrah for Victory!" special edition of the "Illustrated Ludlow News" explained all to its joyful readership:

"Commandant Stokkies Joubert at the start of the Battle". The Kings Colonials Commander surveys the ground
from a wheatfield, his HQ Section supported by a Vickers Machine Gun. He is not to know that,
before the end of the day, he will be unwillingly introduced to "compulsory crocheting".

"The River Wye in spate - a substantial battlefield obstacle". A suspicious civilian fuel tanker commandeered
 from Pratts Garage in Winforton has been parked (rather too obviously) close to the water's edge.

"Allied Forces prepare for a contested crossing" The Bishop of Ludlow's forces (nearest
camera, with well known command flag) start moving their assault boats forwards. The Loyal
 Ludlow Artillery unlimber. Sir Gilbert's Golden Valley Invincibles
 (centre of camera, with mostly numbered assault boats) equally advance. To the right
of Sir Gilbert (out of shot), Pastor I.S. Head's Anglican Force
 similarly heads for the river's edge. A general attack along the Wye!

"Smoke, boys, smoke! Pour it on!" Sir Gilbert's special battery of smoke shell firing tanks commence fire.
The wind direction (south to north) provided a substantial advantage to the attacking allies, and did not
veer throughout the battle (notwithstanding D6 die rolls - EM-4 direction die (other brands are available)).

"A cunning ploy unmasked" Correctly anticipating a trap, the Ludlow Loyal Artillery blow up
the Pratts tanker. A flaming oil slick spills into the River Wye anyway, just as HMG
originally planned. Will it interfere with Ludlow's contested crossing of the Wye?

"Our Brave Engineers start a Pontoon" Undeterred by the flaming oil slick, work commences on the Ludlow
Pontoon Bridge. Downriver, Sir Gilbert and Pastor Head were equally busy constructing their own
 pontoons. In the background, Ludlow artillery, armoured observation vehicle and observation party.

"Assault Boats Ahoy!". A fleet of small grey boats fills the River Wye. To the bottom of
the photograph, the Bishop's forces steer carefully to avoid the oil slick. Pontoon bridge
building is interrupted. In the centre, Sir Gilbert's pontoon is making progress, although
one of his assault boats has fallen prey to counter-battery fire. At the top, Pastor Head
similarly pushes forward by boat and pontoon.

"The Battlefield from the East" A different view of the Allied dispositions, taken slightly earlier in the day.
 Pastor Head's assault boats are at the water's edge (bottom of photo). Sir Gilbert's smoke tank battery
(top centre left) lay down their first barrage as the Golden Valley Invicibles prepare their boats (centre). On the
road (left, centre/top) can be seen the massing Anglican Tank Brigade, ready and waiting for
a Pontoon Bridge to be satisfactorily erected. The Bishop's forces are at the very top
 of the photo, beyond the smoke tank battery.

"But 30 minutes later - mayhem" An aerial shot as Sir Gilbert's and Pastor Head's forces
cross the Wye under fire and under cover of a smoke barrage. Their pontoons are being
prepared for the Anglican Tank Brigade. The Bishop's forces are out of shot at the bottom.

"Defenders' Positions" A long shot of the north bank of the Wye. In the bottom right hand corner lies
 "Stokkies House", where the Commandant established his permanent HQ during the battle.
 The King's Colonials artillery battery and observers can be seen in the green field
 to the left of "Stokkies House". The area to the left again, covering the farm buildings
 and Winforton church, came under the command of the newly arrived
 Lieutenant Richard Everard. At the very top, by the church, a BUF Heavy Gun
 rolls into place. HMG Forces await re-inforcements eagerly....

"The Dominator" A closer shot of the BUF Heavy Gun next to Winforton Church.

"A gift from Signor Mussolini" Hard by the farm buildings, another Government
artillery piece opens up on the advancing Allies.

"Winforton Church through the Smoke Barrage" A view from the south bank of the Wye, the tower of
Winforton Church (top centre) appearing through the smoke. Pastor Head's and Sir Gilbert's pontoons
can both be seen as the Anglican Assault boats hit the north bank of the river. To the left, Ludlow tanks
lead the waiting Anglican Tank Brigade.

"Ashore at last" A panoramic shot as Sir Gilbert's Golden Valley Invincibles swarm off their assault boats
on to the north bank of the Wye. The prevailing winds (attributed by the Bishop of Ludlow
 to divine intervention) push the prevailing smoke helpfully forward....

"The gallant Pastor Head". On Sir Gilbert's right flank, Pastor Head's Anglican forces advance from their
beachhead. In the distance, Lt. Everard positions in opposition part of the BUF Tank Brigade
(a reinforcement) and the Wulfhere Section, BUF (along the fence line). These tanks
 were to vex the lightly armed forces of Pastor Head mightily, causing him to pray for
the completion of his Pontoon and re-inforcement from the
Anglican Tank Brigade as soon as possible.

"Forward Ludlow!" On Sir Gilbert's left flank, the Ludlow Expeditionary Force storm ashore.
 The Bishop's personal standard can be seen (right) as further smoke shells
 fall amongst the advance piquets of the embattled King's Colonials (left, top)

TO BE CONTINUED BY PART TWO.......

[Note One] To those less familiar with Afrikaans slang than the good Bishop, this information page may help (and provide some fun).

AUTUMN BIG GAME 2018 - Bishop's Statement!

In a short statement issued from Ludlow Castle, the Bishop of Ludlow today confirmed the capture of that notorious South African renegade and all round roisterer, Stokkies Joubert, at the Battle of Winforton Pontoons:

Stokkies Joubert before the Battle of Winforton Pontoons, surrounded by his command staff and bodyguard.

After the battle : aerial observation confirms Stokkies capture by veterans of the Loyal Ludlow Legion.

No chances are taken by Ludlow's veterans. The Royalist commander is held under close observation.

Regular listeners to the Bishop's Broadcasting Service will know how rare it is to capture a field commander : this is the first occasion that any commander has suffered such a fate since the kidnapping of the Bishop of Hereford by Government forces in the course of the early battles of Herefordshire's Civil War. Now that Joubert is safely confined in the deepest dungeon beneath Ludlow Castle itself, will the Bishop and his Chancellor, the Rev Duff Postin, offer a "prisoner exchange"? And would HM Government even contemplate such an offer were it to be made?

AUTUMN BIG GAME 2018 - The Headlines!

The headlines of Ludlow's Saturday evening newspapers:

HISTORIC VICTORY!

Government Forces defeated at Battle of Winforton Pontoons

Gallant Sir Gilbert "vaults the River Wye"

Nephew "reported safe" after Mortimer Ordeal 

Golden Valley Invincibles - Grievous Losses Reported

CAPTURE OF STOKKIES JOUBERT!

                             

                   Rout of "King's Colonials" by our brave Ludlow Legion

"Divine Wind" aids Anglican & Allied Assault

Thunder & Lightning over battlefield : was it really Ju-Ju?

LATE NEWS!

Group Leader Giles "Shot at Dawn"

Guilty of "Cowardice in the Face of the Enemy"

    Nonchalantly faces Firing Party with Tub of Strawberry Ice Cream -

 and Colefax & Fowler Colour Swatch!

The Sunday supplements will no doubt provide a full analysis of all these historic events!

Hereford1938 - SPRING BIG GAME 2018 - MATTERS OF INTELLIGENCE (2)

                                                                                                                                        

"I've received a very strange letter," said the Bishop. "Here, Rupert, you'd better take a look."

Colonel Rupert Lethbridge-Stewart, better known as "Big X" of the Ecclesiastial Intelligence Service, made a show of reading the strange missive. He had long deemed it part of his internal intelligence duties to have all the Bishop's correspondence steamed open and re-sealed before delivery, and was already familiar with its contents.

"Strange indeed," he said. There was no need for the Bishop to know. "Big X" read aloud:

FROM The Editor, Private Parts Magazine, A Secret  Location, Somewhere in London

Your Grace,

I know that you must be aware of our monthly investigative journal, as the ‘Church Times’ has, in the past, described us as ‘crude, lewd, and very rude’, while the Government’s Chief  Censor, Sir Attila Smashem, has called us ‘a filthy unpatriotic subversive little rag’. I am pleased to acknowledge both descriptions as accurate.

The reason for my letter is to pass on to you an advance copy of an article which, subject  to our secret printing press not being found by H.M.Government in the interim, will appear shortly in our magazine. I think you will find it interesting.

Yours faithfully,

William Tell (Editor)

MAJOR STRAITT-JACKETT – THE SECRET

THE GOVERNMENT DOESN’T WANT YOU TO KNOW !!

Our undercover reporter, the intrepid Ivor Bignose, has recently uncovered startling news of the possible fate of Major Miles Straitt-Jackett, the noted Royalist commander recently reported killed at the Battle of Wigmore Hall. Readers may recall that the Major was said to have been ‘blown to pieces’ by a stray artillery shell, and was not seen after the battle ended, though an ambulance was seen leaving the area at high speed with a military escort. Here is Ivor’s report –

"Initially I watched the Special Hospital for Investigating Trauma at Woolwich for several days, managing to take a couple of poor-quality photographs of a mysterious individual, but was totally unsuccessful in trying to gain access to this high-security unit.

I then made my way to a nearby public house, "The Hand and Eye", which is a popular haunt of hospital staff. Masquerading as a wounded ex-serviceman selling matches, I struck up a conversation with a hospital porter, whom I shall refer to as "Igor". After numerous pints of "Old Dropsy", the man gradually became a little more talkative. Steering the conversation around to Major Straitt-Jackett, I showed him the photographs and asked if it was indeed the well known Government commander. Igor's reply was "mothly". When I asked him what he meant, he tapped the side of his nose in a knowing manner and said "We hath the technology, we can webuilth him", and cackled loudly.

I asked how this was possible and  ‘Igor’ belched loudly, and said ‘depenths how many bithts you’ve got’. Then he continued ‘Old Dr. Frank Enthstein wath lucky that lightning thtruck the hothpital generator when it did, all that exthra power’. By now ‘Igor’ was starting to ramble as  the eight pints of ‘Old Dropsy’ started to take effect, and he digressed into  ‘that power cut buggered up the wadio weport of the England game though, jutht ath we got the equalither against thoth Fwoggie bathdards’. At that point ‘Igor’’s eyes closed and his head drooped forward into his ninth pint of beer.

Just then the door burst open and a squad of BUF goons stormed in. After a nod from a man standing at the bar – a fascist spy no doubt – they strode up to me and hauled me roughly outside. It seems suspicion had been aroused by a match-seller’s ability to buy so many pints of ‘Old Dropsy’. Luckily, I just had time to hide the photographs where they could not be found without rubber gloves. When I awoke in a nearby alley some hours later I was thankful to find myself almost unharmed, apart from the two broken fingers, a fractured wrist, four cracked ribs, a black eye and three missing teeth.

Clearly H.M.Government have something to hide at this establishment. Can it really be that Major Straitt-Jackett is alive, or has been revived or even reconstituted somehow ? Only time will tell !"

"Big X" dropped the letter back onto the Bishop's mahogany desk. "That young reporter is very lucky still to be alive, I'd say. To my knowledge, the first photographs from the Special Hospital. The best we've been able to do is some detailed pencil sketches of their type of treatment...."

"....which, I have to say, has a very poor track record. Your Grace, I'd recommend that we keep a close watch on the Special Hospital for the Investigation of Trauma at Woolwich, and await developments...."

with thanks to Alan for the letter and article. All of Ludlow eagerly await developments in the strange case of Major Straitt-Jackett (Deceased?).

Hereford1938 - SPRING BIG GAME 2018 - MATTERS OF INTELLIGENCE

The Bishop tapped the crisp manila folder atop his desk. Leaning forward, he stared evenly at his Chief of Intelligence, Colonel Lethbridge-Stewart.

"It would have been well, Rupert, had we had THIS rather earlier. Yesterday, it would have been vital intelligence. Now, well....." the Bishop's querulous tones trailed off into deep contemplation.

"It's no more than a historical artefact." Lethbridge-Stewart nodded. "I know, Bishop, I know. The fact is that many of our best agents risked their lives to deliver the Wigmore All Round Defence Plan into our hands. It's not their fault that the transmission times were so slow."

"Of course, of course". The Bishop sighed. "It's just that sometimes...."

"You'd like your information current ? Up to date ? Hot off the press, as it were ?"

"Indeed."

The Colonel made a show of opening his bulging, leather bound briefcase. A flourish produced another manilla folder, clearly marked : "W/T intercept. BIG X - EYES ONLY". 

"There are some things that you can't know, Your Grace. For your own protection, as it were. And some things that you may wish you didn't know." The Colonel paused for effect. "Take this, for example. Our latest intercept from Comrade Professor Winter's Field HQ. Freshly decoded."

++ WINTERS TO CPGB HQ. STOP. + MOST URGENT AND IMMEDIATE. STOP. + ADVANCING AT WIGMORE. STOP. CRICKET PAVILION IN FLAMES. STOP + PATCHPOLE KC CONCLUDED DEFENSIVE ALLIANCE WITH GOVERNMENT FORCES. STOP + ENEMY OF THE PEOPLE. STOP + RUNNING DOG OF FASCISM. STOP + MORE ENDLESS CATCHPHRASES. STOP. YOU KNOW THE KIND OF THING. STOP + AUTHORISE OPERATION HUBRIS. STOP. MOST IMMEDIATE STOP. REPEAT MOST IMMEDIATE STOP. OPERATION HUBRIS AUTHORISED. STOP.+ LONG LIVE THE REVOLUTION. STOP. WINTERS. STOP+ ENDIT ++

"Operation Hubris ?" The Bishop raised an eyebrow.

"The publication..." Colonel Lethbridge-Stewart cleared his throat. "The publication of Colonel Mustard's memoirs. The presses will already be running hot in Liverpool."

"No! Surely to goodness, Rupert, no! Even a godless Communist like Winters has more sense than that!"

"Merely a different frame of reference, Bishop. He'll be calculating that de Braose and the aristocracy in the County will be be unable to stand the resulting scandal. A Government in crisis. A revolutionary situation created. A power vacuum. The triumphant march of the great proletariat to the higher reaches of authority, that kind of thing. Or perhaps it was simply a reflex of revenge, a spasm of anger at the news of the Mortimer/Government alliance. Who can tell with a madman like Winters ?"

"And the Government ? Will they know of this ? Sir Barrington ?"

"They'll know soon enough, Bishop." Colonel Lethbridge-Stewart delved deep into his briefcase and produced another folder, marked "Agent Orange - Diary Extract - BIG X - EYES ONLY". "For the moment, however, Sir Barrington appears to be rather pleased with himself."

"Good grief ! His diary entry ! From yesterday, of all things !" The Bishop read eagerly:

The Mortimer Defence Plan has seen off all aggressors!

My old friend 'Himalaya' Joe reports that, with the help of a police flying column, he was able to hold off a Royalist/BUF assault before forcing them to the negotiating table.

It was agreed that, in return for the Royalists/BUF guaranteeing the neutrality and independence of Mortimer Country and for assisting us in defending against Red aggression, we would supply them with any surplus foodstuffs.

Despite the untimely demise of Straitt-Jacket, this agreement has held firm, with the Royalists duly taking the fight to the Commies. Ties were slightly strained when a section of Royalist sailors descended on the Mortimer Brewery with the intent of drinking it dry, but they were gently 'called time' by the Hereford Hunt Hussars, backed up by an armoured car (kept back in case of treachery and in no way bogged down in front of the Brewery).

Thus reinforced, I was able to look on from my vantage point at Wigmore Hall as the new alliance comfortably knocked the Reds for six. These godless rebels had already proved themselves incapable of defeating my forces in the area, despite outnumbering them three-to-one. Indeed their only accomplishment was the burning of the cricket pavilion; a building that can easily be repaired. The commander of 'Pavilion Force' will be suitably promoted for his gallant defence and courageous counterattack.

I gather from my friends defending my transmitter station that Radio Free Mortimer remains on the air after blunting a thrust from the Anglican League. In doing so they also kept them out of the grounds of Wigmore Hall and will also be duly rewarded.

The Hall never was never really threatened and so my staff were rarely troubled (much to the disappointment of the mortar crew) as the police and BUF took the brunt of the fighting on the approach road. The Chief Inspector will receive a glowing report from me and I daresay commendations will be in order.

We were able to rescue all of the livestock from the Brewery locale, but alas I'm led to believe that returns were low from the Transmitter. I have yet to learn the livestock returns from the Pavilion end.

So have I got into bed with the Royalists and BUF? Perhaps so. I would never side with the Reds. As for the Anglicans, whilst perhaps in pursuit of a noble cause, they have yet to approach me with a suitable offer. However, the door is not yet closed and my niece is still in search of a spouse..."

"A suitable offer ? A suitable offer ?" The Bishop sputtered. "The hand in marriage of my former ward ? The waiving of any dowry for Miss Nemone upon the conclusion of such a match ? The hand of Ludlow in eternal friendship ? No suitable offer ?"

"Yes." Colonel Lethbridge-Stewart returned the Bishop's goggle-eyed stare. "I'm afraid that the Shropshire Swain is overdue a stern talking-to, Bishop. Unlucky in love, unlucky on the battlefield, trailed coats and garden paths, that kind of thing."

"Well, I take everything back, Colonel. My profound apologies. This kind of intelligence could not be more current. Agent Orange?"

"One of Patchpole KC's staff, sir. I'd rather not say who."

Sir Barrington's Personal Household Staff. Who could be "Agent Orange" ?

"Of course. I quite understand." The Bishop tapped his nose. "Need to know and all that."

"Quite." The Colonel produced yet another manilla folder, on this occasion marked "Government Propaganda Broadcasts - MOST RECENT - PS - PERSONAL FOR BIG X - Do we really have to transcribe this guff ?", and started reading:

‘Government Troops yesterday assisted in repelling concerted attacks on Wigmore Hall in North Herefordshire by Communist and Anglican forces. Despite still suffering from wounds received at KINGTON, Storm Commander Giles led a relief column to the aid of the beleaguered Mortimer LDV garrison at WIGMORE HALL, and together they succeeded in halting the enemy advance.

Previously wary relations between the Government and Sir Barrington Patchpole KC were greatly improved when Major Straitt-Jackett’s Gas Street Irregulars managed to rescue ‘STANLEY’ and ‘NEVILLE’, the two eldest male offspring of the famous ‘FAT TED’, Sir Barrington’s favourite porker. The safe return of said offspring formed the basis of an agreement between Sir Barrington and H.M. Government, by which it was agreed that Mortimer Country should remain clear of all factions, whilst recognising His Majesty Edward VIII and supplying food resources as requested to Government forces. In return H.M.Government undertook to provide military assistance if requested by Sir Barrington, in the event of MORTIMER COUNTRY being threatened by any other faction.

A Government spokesman refused to confirm reports that MAJOR STRAITT-JACKETT was killed by a stray artillery round shortly after negotiating the agreement.‘

The Colonel closed the folder with a snap. "Not a word about Mustard's memoirs. No attempt as yet to prepare the people for what's bound to come. It looks like the Government and Patchpole have completedly under-estimated the long term effects of their alliance, Your Grace."

"I shall pray, Rupert." The Bishop waived his Chief of Intelligence towards the door. "I shall pray. It is all that can be done. Those Memoirs! The reputation of those ladies.....ruined! And not for politics, not even for politics! All for Fat Ted, Sir Barrington's pet pig!"