Thursday, 14 July 2016

Breaking News - That De Braose Statement in Full !

Lord De Braose, appointed "Lord Warden of the Marches" by Edward VIII at the outbreak of the VBCW, and nominally leader of the Royalist Forces in Herefordshire, had not been seen in public since the start of "L'Affaire Mustard" (cf. "Le Figaro"), otherwise known as "Mustardgate" (cf. "The Washington Post"). To the general astonishment of all, and much hilarity (at least initially) across Herefordshire, he recently broke his silence. The "Ludlow Leader", as ever, was first with the story:






In a tear stained - and whisky sodden - written statement delivered to the international Press from the steps of the Shire Hall last night, the Lord Warden of the Marches sensationally broke his silence upon the story that has gripped the County in recent days. As yet further scandalous photographs of an under-dressed Lady Cynthia Da Braose canoodling with the late Colonel "Sir Pat" Mustard circulated amongst the populace, Lord Da Braose delivered these supposedly magisterial words:

"What utter rot! It just goes to show how desperate these fellows are, to cast aspersion on a man's wife - especially when that man is not actually married! Silly b*s..."

With a stumble and erratic sweep of the arm (which may or may not have been an attempt at a Fascist salute), Lord de Braose thus delivered his first fusillade in a desperate attempt (aka "media strategy") not to divorce Lady Cynthia in the wake of the scandal, but to re-write and deny his entire marital history. Following her own flight to Paris, Lady Cynthia is rumoured to be authoring her rebuttal of Lord Braose's bizarre statement (provisionally entitled "The Wife who Never Was!").

Lord de Braose's statement was preceded by a new wave of arrests and "disappearances" within the occupied City of Hereford. Mr Wilkins, the local Registrar of Births, Marriages and Deaths, was removed from his office in the course of the same afternoon by armed men - who conspicuously refused to identify themselves - together with all his relevant records. Neither have been seen since. BUF Stormtroopers threw a cordon around the Public Library in Broad Street ("official - closed until further notice") as others marched on the offices of the "Hereford Times" to seize both its presses and archive ("by order - all the news that isn't going to be printed"). Only one resident escaped the general sweep - Mrs Miggins, society confectioner of 17, Church Street and provider of the de Braose wedding cake. In a hair raising tale of derring do and a triumph for the Ecclesiastical Intelligence Service, Mrs Miggins was successfully spirited away from Herefordshire and into exile within the calm and peaceful episcopal enclave of Ludlow.

Oppression in "Royalist" Hereford. BUF Stormtroopers with billy clubs undertake De Braose's bidding.
But the truth is already out!
Such arrests and "disappearances" have been, sadly, an all too common feature of Hereford life since the start of the VBCW. Few, however, considered that de Braose would apply the same foul tactics to his own sons. Suddenly de-legitimised by the de Braose statement and a constant reminder of their own father's bizarre campaign of public untruths, neither little Horatio de Braose, nor his sweet natured brother Rodney, have been seen since the afternoon of the wave of arrests. 

Castle Green, with the River Wye in the background. It was here that Horatio and Rodney de Braose were last seen, in the charge of de Braose's batman and general factotum, Sgt. Ellis.
Hereford itself is awash with rumours as to the boy's fate. Some say they have been consigned to an as yet unidentified "Tower". Others claim to have seen both boys, pale faced and tousle haired, in the back of a BUF truck heading for Herefordshire Racecourse. Yet more fear the very worst, as the huge chalk letters on the side of the Shire Hall the following morning attested :


No comments:

Post a Comment