AUTUMN BIG GAME 2018 - THE TRUE STORY! (PART ONE)

"And so, Commandant Joubert, we meet at last."

The Bishop of Ludlow stared at his bruised and manacled prisoner, surrounded by the triumphant veterans of the 1st Infantry Section, Loyal Ludlow Legion. It was late on the afternoon of the Battle of Winforton Pontoons, and all the reports spoke of a famous victory for the allied forces of the Anglican League and Sir Gilbert Hill's Golden Valley Invincibles.

"Joubert. Stokkies. I don't have a number. I'm not a regular. I fight for my King as a loyal volunteer." The captured commander of the famous "King's Colonials" stared back at the Bishop, uncowed. "And you'll get no more information out of me, dwankie. Geneva Convention."

"Dear, dear. 'My Lord Bishop' is more - ahem - conventional, dear chap." The Bishop of Ludlow smiled thinly. "You ought to know that I served in South Africa for a time. Enough time to pick up a smattering of Afrikaans slang [note 1]. And as for the Geneva Convention, I rather think it has no application to a civil war. At least, that's what I understand your Mr Mosley to have claimed."

"The Prime Minister....."

"An office to which he has no entitlement. Just plain Mr Mosley, if you please."

"Fok weet, Bishop. I'm a colonial. Ein Jan Allerman. You'll get nothing more out of me."

"I rather think we will, Commandant." A severe, straight backed figure materialised at the Bishop's shoulder. It was none other than "Big X", Chief of the Ecclesiastical Intelligence Service. "Not that we particularly need to, of course."

"Ah, Lethbridge-Stewart. I see you have one of your manilla folders on this ruffian." Still slightly unsettled by the Colonel's habit of appearing silently and without warning, the Bishop sniffed and nodded in approval. 

"Joubert, Stokkies." The Colonel began reading. "Great - nephew of Piet Joubert, late of Cape Colony...."

"The South African Republic, krimpie. Ne?"

"...and necessarily, therefore, a relation of Fritz Joubert Duquesne. We have rather a thick file on him, of course. Not that you've met for a while. Not since New York, I believe." The Colonel cleared his throat, flicking through the file. "Stokkies.....war service...volunteering slightly under age, I think....German South-West Africa, East Africa, junior ADC to Smuts....some special service for a period...1919 intervention, Murmansk....demobilisation....diamond mining...gold panning....great white hunter in Kenya, then gun running to South America....whisky smuggling into the States from 1928 or so....the Twenty-First Amendment must have been so disappointing for you, Commandant...back to South Africa....heavy drinking...the women (see additional filing cabinets, as indexed A-Z, cross-referenced geographically, ethnically and chronologically)....do I need to go on?"

"Fokkoff, moffie." The manacled Commandant bristled.

"Now, now, Commandant." The Bishop of Ludlow intervened. "The good Colonel is simply demonstrating that we already know all about you. It's just that he believes you privy to all of Lord de Braose's most secret plans, and we'd rather like to hear about them, don't you know? Not that we have anything like an Inquisition in Ludlow, you understand. None of that foreign stuff. No Iron Maidens, racks, red-hot pokers; no, I do believe that the Colonel's methods of extracting information are rather more subtle..."

"Joubert, Stokkies. No number. No more information."

"Of course it pains me, Commandant. But you may think differently after a few days of compulsory crocheting".

"Nee!" The stubborn Joubert staggered backward in shock.

"Just the threat of solitary confinement and enforced embroidery...."

"Nee!" Joubert had involuntarily collapsed to his knees, a bear of a man at bay.

"Jam-making? The full course of 26 lessons, all the while on a strict prison diet of nothing but ginger beer and iced fruit cakes? No braii for you, ever again....."

Joubert sagged lower, as if physically winded. Colonel Lethbridge Stewart took up the Bishop's theme enthusiastically.

"Four church services a day. Marched backwards and forwards to service and then your cell, deep beneath Ludlow Castle. Hymns, prayers, sermons, choir practice, silent personal contemplation, 'Signs of the Peace'...."

"Sies!"

"....and if you should somehow still resist, Commandant, the genteel horror that is Mandatory Morris Dancing. I'm told the local Morris troupes are always looking for new members, and are really rather dedicated..."

A sudden howl of utter despair, as Joubert contemplated his awful future as an unwilling be-belled participant in "(Very) Strictly Come Dancing - the Folk Edition", and with the interview over, the veterans of the Loyal Ludlow Legion dragged him from the Bishop's presence.

How had it come to this ?

The "Hurrah for Victory!" special edition of the "Illustrated Ludlow News" explained all to its joyful readership:

"Commandant Stokkies Joubert at the start of the Battle". The Kings Colonials Commander surveys the ground
from a wheatfield, his HQ Section supported by a Vickers Machine Gun. He is not to know that,
before the end of the day, he will be unwillingly introduced to "compulsory crocheting".

"The River Wye in spate - a substantial battlefield obstacle". A suspicious civilian fuel tanker commandeered
 from Pratts Garage in Winforton has been parked (rather too obviously) close to the water's edge.

"Allied Forces prepare for a contested crossing" The Bishop of Ludlow's forces (nearest
camera, with well known command flag) start moving their assault boats forwards. The Loyal
 Ludlow Artillery unlimber. Sir Gilbert's Golden Valley Invincibles
 (centre of camera, with mostly numbered assault boats) equally advance. To the right
of Sir Gilbert (out of shot), Pastor I.S. Head's Anglican Force
 similarly heads for the river's edge. A general attack along the Wye!

"Smoke, boys, smoke! Pour it on!" Sir Gilbert's special battery of smoke shell firing tanks commence fire.
The wind direction (south to north) provided a substantial advantage to the attacking allies, and did not
veer throughout the battle (notwithstanding D6 die rolls - EM-4 direction die (other brands are available)).

"A cunning ploy unmasked" Correctly anticipating a trap, the Ludlow Loyal Artillery blow up
the Pratts tanker. A flaming oil slick spills into the River Wye anyway, just as HMG
originally planned. Will it interfere with Ludlow's contested crossing of the Wye?

"Our Brave Engineers start a Pontoon" Undeterred by the flaming oil slick, work commences on the Ludlow
Pontoon Bridge. Downriver, Sir Gilbert and Pastor Head were equally busy constructing their own
 pontoons. In the background, Ludlow artillery, armoured observation vehicle and observation party.

"Assault Boats Ahoy!". A fleet of small grey boats fills the River Wye. To the bottom of
the photograph, the Bishop's forces steer carefully to avoid the oil slick. Pontoon bridge
building is interrupted. In the centre, Sir Gilbert's pontoon is making progress, although
one of his assault boats has fallen prey to counter-battery fire. At the top, Pastor Head
similarly pushes forward by boat and pontoon.

"The Battlefield from the East" A different view of the Allied dispositions, taken slightly earlier in the day.
 Pastor Head's assault boats are at the water's edge (bottom of photo). Sir Gilbert's smoke tank battery
(top centre left) lay down their first barrage as the Golden Valley Invicibles prepare their boats (centre). On the
road (left, centre/top) can be seen the massing Anglican Tank Brigade, ready and waiting for
a Pontoon Bridge to be satisfactorily erected. The Bishop's forces are at the very top
 of the photo, beyond the smoke tank battery.

"But 30 minutes later - mayhem" An aerial shot as Sir Gilbert's and Pastor Head's forces
cross the Wye under fire and under cover of a smoke barrage. Their pontoons are being
prepared for the Anglican Tank Brigade. The Bishop's forces are out of shot at the bottom.

"Defenders' Positions" A long shot of the north bank of the Wye. In the bottom right hand corner lies
 "Stokkies House", where the Commandant established his permanent HQ during the battle.
 The King's Colonials artillery battery and observers can be seen in the green field
 to the left of "Stokkies House". The area to the left again, covering the farm buildings
 and Winforton church, came under the command of the newly arrived
 Lieutenant Richard Everard. At the very top, by the church, a BUF Heavy Gun
 rolls into place. HMG Forces await re-inforcements eagerly....

"The Dominator" A closer shot of the BUF Heavy Gun next to Winforton Church.

"A gift from Signor Mussolini" Hard by the farm buildings, another Government
artillery piece opens up on the advancing Allies.

"Winforton Church through the Smoke Barrage" A view from the south bank of the Wye, the tower of
Winforton Church (top centre) appearing through the smoke. Pastor Head's and Sir Gilbert's pontoons
can both be seen as the Anglican Assault boats hit the north bank of the river. To the left, Ludlow tanks
lead the waiting Anglican Tank Brigade.

"Ashore at last" A panoramic shot as Sir Gilbert's Golden Valley Invincibles swarm off their assault boats
on to the north bank of the Wye. The prevailing winds (attributed by the Bishop of Ludlow
 to divine intervention) push the prevailing smoke helpfully forward....

"The gallant Pastor Head". On Sir Gilbert's right flank, Pastor Head's Anglican forces advance from their
beachhead. In the distance, Lt. Everard positions in opposition part of the BUF Tank Brigade
(a reinforcement) and the Wulfhere Section, BUF (along the fence line). These tanks
 were to vex the lightly armed forces of Pastor Head mightily, causing him to pray for
the completion of his Pontoon and re-inforcement from the
Anglican Tank Brigade as soon as possible.

"Forward Ludlow!" On Sir Gilbert's left flank, the Ludlow Expeditionary Force storm ashore.
 The Bishop's personal standard can be seen (right) as further smoke shells
 fall amongst the advance piquets of the embattled King's Colonials (left, top)

TO BE CONTINUED BY PART TWO.......

[Note One] To those less familiar with Afrikaans slang than the good Bishop, this information page may help (and provide some fun).